Our Hearts are Restless

If I could change anything about my life it would be to never have aborted my two children. But I did it, and there is no turning back.

Since facing my abortions, my life had been a nightmare, but also a wake up call.  I had no other choice but to take the opportunity to take a closer look at myself and the way I was living my life. I was desperate and had to do something. My life was in danger because of the depression I was living in.

That’s when I was blessed to come across Lumina while browsing on the web looking for support.  I emailed the site and got a call right away. For the first time, I felt understood and comforted.  I was also a bit puzzled that a stranger would read into me so well and would help me more than my loved ones.

As much as I was touched to have found someone that offered me genuine help, I was also wondering why a stranger would be so concerned and care so much for me. What did she want in return? Was it a trick to bring me back to faith? At the time I didn’t need any religion to know that I killed my two babies and I was convinced that turning to God would just make it worse.

Theresa kept calling me even when I wasn’t returning her calls or when I wasn’t responding to what she had to offer. She kept caring for me unconditionally while I thought I wasn’t worth so much attention and support.

It finally took me a lot of courage to attend the Entering Canaan Day of Hope & Healing for post-abortive women in the Bronx developed by Theresa & the Sisters of Life. I did all I could within myself to avoid going, but my despair was greater than my fear, so I finally went. That’s when everything began to change.

That day something happened to me. I could tell you that I cried like I never cried before. That my entire body ached, and I couldn’t even speak. My pain was too deep to be expressed through words, but I can also tell you that contrary to what I anticipated, I felt safe. No one judged me and I received so much support that I let go and surrender to the pain inside of me. I also learned (and am still learning) words like forgiveness, unconditional love, compassion for others and for myself… but that day the greatest thing also happened to me: God entered my life!

I continued in the ministry attending the weekend retreats and monthly “Gatherings” and slowly processed what was needed for me to face myself and what had happened. Today, I am a changed woman. Not only have accepted my abortions, but I also have a better understanding as to why I got into such self-destructive behaviors in the past. Things have become much clearer. I have a better sense of who I am and I treat myself with more respect and dignity. Of course, there are still steps towards healing, but I am moving forward with God on my side and that’s what matters.

Until my abortions I did not have faith. I spent years in an atheist/hedonist cult.  I didn’t have much hope.  I was depressed, angry at the world, and cynical since I thought I knew better. Now everything has changed. I feel that there is something grander and greater: God. He has forgiven me.  He loves me, supports me, and protects me. For once in my life, there is Hope.

I thought that I would carry my burden and sins forever but, through the sharing in this ministry and also a post abortion group at Midtown Pregnancy Support Center,  I understood that I am not my sins, that when I committed the worst I didn’t know better (now I do), and that God wants me to be free and happy.

And one day, through His mercy and goodness, I’ll meet my children! ~ Christiane Zufferey

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