Lost Motherhood

empty carriageIn November of 2003, I became pregnant. Although it was unplanned, my baby definitely was not unwanted. I was very worried about telling my boyfriend the news and what his reaction would be. It was one of anger. How would we afford and take care of a baby? Eventually, he came around and said he would stand by me, but then he called telling me the baby was not his. This upset me so much, my sister told me it was better to take care of the “problem” now, rather than to give it up when it was born. She urged me to get an abortion and then never speak about it again. I did not want the abortion, but in my mind I did not know how I could ever do this alone, so I gave in to the pressure. I felt very scared and abandoned.

I called and made an appointment for a Saturday morning. I tried to talk to the father of the baby the night before to tell him what was about to happen but my sister made the call instead of me and told me a woman answered and said he was not
home. They did not allow me to speak to him. I felt like the lamb being led to the slaughter.

When we went to the abortion clinic, it was very scary, with a lot of women and men sitting around in silence. My sister filled out all the forms and gave all the wrong information because she was worried our neighbors would find out, so, she told
all lies in spite of the fact I had a heart problem at the time. The nurse gave me a sonogram and checked my blood pressure. I asked why they were doing all this, when my unborn baby is about to be killed. It did not make sense to me. She asked if this was what I wanted. I wanted to say no, but before I could reply my sister said that I did not have any choice.

I cried and cried, and I knew this was very wrong. I saw a lot of girls on stretchers, looking very sad. I wanted to turn around, but all I did was look at the ceiling and the clock as the doctor proceeded to kill my unborn baby. When I came out they asked if I wanted to have other children. Something about a medicine they would have to give me. I just laid there crying and alone. I knew what had just happened was evil. Afterward when I got home, my other sister called asking how I was and then telling me that I was never to talk about it again. From that moment on my life went down hill. I drank to ease the pain, and I was very angry and emotional when I would see pregnant women. I would even cry when I saw babies on the TV. I would look out the window for my lost baby wondering if the pain would ever go away.
I went back with the father of the child although I was angry with him. I think it was a connection to my baby, but I would get up during the night pacing the floors, my heart breaking. The following year, I got pregnant again and miscarried at the
same time I had had the abortion. It led to a nervous breakdown. Although I looked for help many times, the only solution I was told was to move on. My boyfriend too told me to get on with my life, but I couldn’t, the pain was just too deep.

I knew I needed help, and eventually, through church, got the number for “Entering Canaan”. It has helped me with my healing through the retreats and groups on post abortion healing. It has been a long hard road but, thanks to God, I am moving
forward, forgiving, learning how my abortion impacted me, and trying to help other women. Dymphna

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